| here we go again |
[Apr. 30th, 2006|05:13 pm] |
so once again going back to that man has put me in a shitty position. this time around he can't blame me ...although i'm sure he'll find a way. i was working full time, managing the house as best as one can. dealing with his mood swings. taking his shit. dealing with his threats, absorbing his verbal abuse and still trying to maintain my own mental well being. in the time i was with him...during this stint...i was home after work, supportive of him even though he has no job and is in a huge financial mess. he chose to sleep all day and belittle me during his waking hours. and now due to his complete inability to keep his hands off me..i am without a home....also my job is too concerned with him lashing back at me to consider keeping me on with them. so here it is...and now -yet again- i have no choice but to move on and rebuild. all i can say is that it will be a long time before i give my heart to anyone again. i can't even imagine dating anyone for a long time.
what's worse is that i know how all of this happend. i come from a background that's riddled with this shit. all of my life even in the best of times i have had the ability to tolerate and accept shitty behavior from those who i am closest to. it ends now though. for my son and for my survival. now i have to heal. i can say this most assuredly...i will never go back to him. he crushed every belief i had in him to change his ways and be the man i thought him once to be.
a lover is meant to protect and care for you. to be your best friend through good and bad times. they are for wiping your tears, not causing them. and i've cried oceans because of him. i wish him well but hope honestly not to lay eyes on him again. it's difficult to give up on someone, even though you have loved them for a long time. but the past two years ...the on and off shit...the abuse, the name caliing, the threats have become too much for this heart to bear. so all i can do is walk away. it brings me great pain, but i have no choice. |
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| even when you're down.... |
[Jan. 19th, 2006|01:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
...it seems that you can always feel "up" with good friends around....i'm very lucky to have them....now if i can just form that colony on an island in the carribean that we could all live on ..with of course fabulous living quarters and a night life that would put NYC to shame...then i'd be the happiest woman on earth...i should get on that whole lottery winning thing.... |
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| funny |
[Jan. 4th, 2006|09:17 am] |
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...i'm actually going back to tending bar....hilarious...but neccesary....my mom's not doing so well and i really need to have ALOT of money right now...so for the time being i'm putting jobs that involve my college education on hold...also...it's right in riverside and i have a few friends that work there so- could be worse....i started a new painting...it's a portrait study of andy warhol...completely gray scale...tough but it's going to look really great when it's done... |
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| ok. you're right holly.... |
[Dec. 27th, 2005|03:07 pm] |
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who am i kidding?....i've never been able to be intentionally mean or cruel in my whole life...so i guess that whole "using my powers for evil" thing won't work out ....but man i AM over it...it just feels like if there's a jerk out there within a 10 mile radius...i'll find him...no really...lately i've really been trying to have a positive outlook...but then some jack ass comes along and screws it up...usually a friend...or "friend"...it just makes me want to stay in my room...whic i've been doing...ALOT lately....but i'm moving soon so i guess i should try and spend as much time as i can with my real friends....mostly because i'm not sure when/if i'm coming back.. |
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| fuck it... |
[Dec. 27th, 2005|03:31 am] |
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i'm tired of being "nice"...what good is it doing me?...i'm sick of worrying about "you"...you wouldn't care if i died tomorrow...i don't even want to keep on trying to be "a good person" anymore...what fucking good does it do?....good girls get raped,robbed,fucked over,treated like shit,taken advantage of,cheated on,abused......FUCK IT!!...i'm smart...maybe it's time to use my powers for evil....i bet if i tried i could ruin mother fuckers with a mere glance....why not?...men have built this country on the same line of thinking...i don't want to think about "you people" anymore....maybe it's time i stop trying to "beat'em"...and just "join'em"...hey!! ...guess what fucked up universe?!?!....you win....guess i should just get fuckin' bent.. |
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| christmas |
[Dec. 25th, 2005|09:06 pm] |
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was pretty nice this year ..i met another nice fella...and we had a great time talking and drinking whiskey last night...dancing was the best at tsi last night....tonight i get to see devin davis play at the eclipse...i'm going to miss this place when i leave...not the place so much as the friends i've made here...i can't wait until new years...it's going to great... |
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| last night |
[Dec. 18th, 2005|07:16 pm] |
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..was really fun...i got to talk with someone who i've thought was pretty sweet before...now that we talked more..i know he is...but i think it may freak him out that i have a strict"no boyfriend" policy right now..i'm not sure if that's going to change anytime soon...he'd probably have to walk on water to make me even think about changing my mind....i hate that name "boyfriend"...the boy part is usually accurate and the friend part usually ends up being crap...maybe i'm just feeling negative today..no matter...i think tonight i'll head into avondale and see the luminaria and some of my friends over at the casbah...then i'll do the usual sunday night at eclipse..rick is dee-jaying and he always plays good music.. |
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| it sucks |
[Dec. 18th, 2005|08:09 am] |
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that you have been so hurtful...that you have abused my feelings for you...that you have no idea that the anger i feel comes from trusting you and you shitting on it...it sucks that you seem to be without malice...that you have no mercy...i'm sad for that...it sucks that you're one of "them"...predatorial...i never thought i would think that about you..i thought you were amazing...you said you thought the same thing about me...it sucks that your mom cares more about me than you ever did....it sucks that i was crying on the phone with her at TSI while you were standing at the bar having a laugh at my expense....i wonder if it matters to you that i have never told her what went wrong...i have respect for her...i wouldn't want to break her heart..even if it meant helping you...if you had given it long enough...you would know me...you would regret this behavior...now we'll never know... |
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| listen....fucker |
[Dec. 17th, 2005|03:32 pm] |
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stop bullying my friends...nobody is interested in drama...YOU CREATED IT!!! just leave us alone...and tell your pals we don't care about thier shit either...your ridiculous....so POOF!! fucking dissapear...i did nothing but be kind to you and all you can think to do is act like a scumbag ....typical...no wonder people say what they do about you....as far as this not being a city...GO FIND ANOTHER ONE TO RUIN WITH YOUR TOXIC PERSONALITY...THAT'S ALL I'VE GOT TO SAY! |
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| no more mrs. nice guy |
[Dec. 10th, 2005|10:08 am] |
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apparently the universe hasn't handed me enough reasons to be a bitch ....i came home last night and he wasn't there....i don't care anymore....i'm not sure wtf is going on and i'm not sure i want to know....my existance certainly doesn't hang upon my relationship status...it just pisses me off when you trust someone and they fuck you over. i've dealt with worse . so bring it. i don't want to have public dialogue about this. i don't want anyone to bring it up . i'm going to pretend like none of this shit is happening. i'm tired of crap like this invading my everyday life. NO DRAMA.....but still motherfuckers gotta create it.. |
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| finally |
[Dec. 6th, 2005|12:33 pm] |
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i love my boyfriend.....and i don't mean that like in an ass kissing way....i reallly dig him. i forgot what it was like for someone to treat me decent. i forgot that being in a relationship should make you happy...not scared. this is great. oh last night WAS CRAZY!! i feel like i should be looking up the sky all the time...you know checking to see if it's a full moon...that shit was off the fucking chain... |
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| that bastard! |
[Dec. 2nd, 2005|06:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
i swear to God my ex-boyfriend's wave of evil never seems to end...as if it isn't bad enough that he liked to physically and emotionally abusive...he chooses to parade around town as if he has been a "victim"....not only that but he lies to everyone about his treatment of me...of course i know that if he started going around admitting what he's done chances are he would wind up with his ass beaten and i'm sure it would also take lower his "dating" options which would significantly effect his busy "pants-dropping" schedule....to make matters worse that bastard was NEVER faithful to me... he's been chasing after my girl "friends" left and right. now he's dating one...and they had the nerve to show up in one of my regular hang out spots and proceed to make out in front of the ENTIRE bar....TACKY!! i have never hated anyone in my life until now....i wouldn't piss on jeremy if he were on fire... he caused significant damage to my life....and i was foolish enough to think he would change ...lesson learned....but the girl he's dating now (my "friend")...is out of her fucking mind if she thinks that he isn't going to turn around and pull the same shit on her....WAKE UP! he's done it to every one of us.....what makes you think you are any better?....he has NO JOB!...he sleeps ALL DAY! ....he only wants to eat, smoke and fuck....and soon he'll be beating your ass and fucking around with one of your "friends"...i'm just glad she doesn't have a child to hurt by yelling at ...or making him witness his mother be abused on a daily basis.....some people are just dumb fucks...i just hope he doesn't pull his gun on you....it's hard to get over shit like that....if you want to hold hands with the devil then be my guest....just keep him AWAY from me... |
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| WTF!! |
[Dec. 1st, 2005|04:31 pm] |
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look--why won't my fucking picture load...?? |
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| ok let's not lose this one.... |
[Dec. 1st, 2005|10:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
so i have finally managed to get this journal going and keep it. maybe my passwords were the problem. it's possible that i had too many. last night was fucking bizarre* ..i was surrounded by drunken fucks that want to talk shit about the people i care about. you would think they would realize that after living the past 33 yrs on this planet that i'm hardly in the business of buying bullshit...so yeah stop wedging yourself LITERALLY- between me and my boyfriend at the bar- he's not gay dude....also stop meandering about and making yourself known...everyone's got a past..but that's exactly what it is..."the past"...get over it...i'm an adult. there isn't a damn thing you can tell me that's going to sway my affections or attention from someone just because you see fit to manipulate...try that shit with your friends....frankly, with friends like you - i'd rather eat glass.. |
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